If It Doesn't Mean Something
by thatmaloriegirl
Summary: This takes place about a month after the first Mass Effect, after defeating Sovereign. I wanted a little bit of closure after Ilos. I think the fact that it was a life or death situation would make Kaidan wonder if he was just a port in the storm. It also deals with sexual tension and Kaidan struggling to remain professional after a long tedious month of not seeing Shepard.


**I.**

A few weeks after defeating Sovereign, and after an endless string of debriefings and interviews, Shepard finally had a moment to breathe. She had a penthouse apartment in the Presidium - one perk of being a Spectre - but up until this point it had just been a place to collapse into for a few hours, before being dragged back out to explain events she had already recited 20 other times, to 20 other people. So, when they told her she finally had a day to herself, to "decompress" as they put it, she was at a bit of a loss. Her first thought was Kaidan. They'd both been running around like rats trapped in a political maze and hadn't seen each other since the day of the battle. But it was after midnight when she got in, and she realized she didn't actually know where he was staying. Exhausted, and resigned to the fact that she'd have to wait until tomorrow, she crawled into bed. It was the first time in years she'd slept with no alarm, and no subordinate around to rouse her with some urgent matter, and it was the deepest sleep she'd had since Sovereign.

She woke up after noon and padded lazily to the kitchen, curls piled on top of her head in a loose bun and a silk robe tied loosely around her. She made herself a hot breakfast and ate on her balcony, looking over the busy courtyard below. The damage to the Citadel was extensive but a good portion of it was confined to the Tower, so in other areas a normal routine had already reasserted itself. She supposed it made sense, people needed normal after what they'd been through.

Shepard put her plate down and sighed. She realized she was already restless and had barely made it through one meal and 5 minutes of people watching.

_I've never been very good at this whole relaxing thing._

She just wanted to be back on the Normandy, with a clear mission to tackle. She missed her ship and she missed her crew. She had no idea what they'd even been up to this past month.

_They probably need to unwind just as much as I do._

She made some calls, her current 15 minutes of fame getting through Alliance red tape easily, and was given an address to a block of apartments in the Wards. Pulling up a map on her datapad, she realized they were close to one of the clubs that had remained relatively unscathed. Warp had re-opened mere days after the attack, the owner realizing there was nothing more in demand right now than alcohol and entertainment, especially with the larger-than-normal soldier population trying to let off steam.

She sent out a group message with the place and time, making it clear this was an open invitation and not an order. But she hoped they would all come.

_Especially a certain biotic…_

...her mind wandered to that night before Ilos. He was standing so close to her, talking about the mission and regulations, still hesitating. Everything they weren't saying getting louder and louder. Gravity pulling them together, slow and inexorable. His breath, warm and impossibly close... Until they couldn't stand it anymore, and she was pulling him into her, their bodies colliding, the tension finally breaking. His body wreathed in the faint and humming blue glow of his biotics, pulsing electric and warm. His hands and mouth exploring every inch of her, betraying a need that had been denied for so long…

Shepard realized she had stopped in the middle of undressing and that she was smiling like an idiot. She laughed, slipped out of her robe and stepped into the hot shower, the hard spray kneading blissfully into her back.

_Whatever happens tonight, I know exactly how I want it to end._

**II.**

Warp was like every other club Kaidan had ever been to: loud, sweaty and overcrowded. He could feel the bass in his chest, insistent and uncomfortable, and the drink in his hand was just making him hot instead of buzzed. Joker was animatedly telling a story from his training days, and Garrus was laughing hard next to him, drinking something that would probably kill a human. But Kaidan hadn't heard a word; he was too busy staring at the entrance, a knot of anticipation in his stomach.

The moment Shepard walked in, a murmur rippled through the club, building as more and more people recognized her. She was quickly swallowed by a throng of people, admirers and fellow soldiers, all wanting to buy the first Human Spectre and Hero of the Citadel a drink.

She was wearing tight jeans, a simple black tank top that rippled loosely around her figure like silk, and black boots. Her hair fell to her shoulders in wild dark brown curls, free from the usual bun she worked in. Her face was bare except for a swipe of dark red lipstick and the only jewelry she wore was a simple braided bracelet, golden and worn, which he'd never seen her take off.

Kaidan couldn't help staring as she made her way through the club, fluidly navigating the crowd. She was scanning the room with purpose, her brown eyes sharp and glittering, when she finally saw their table. She broke into a grin and picked up her pace. Kaidan swallowed hard, panicking at the realization that he was completely out of his depth. He had been waiting for this moment for almost a month now, aching to just see her, somehow convincing himself that would be enough. But now... now he had no idea how he was supposed to talk to her, in front of the crew, as if everything was normal. As if she was just a CO to him, or just a friend. How could he stand in the same room with her, when all he could think about was the fact that one thin piece of clothing stood between him and her soft, dark skin. One breath and he could be touching her, tasting her.

Kaidan raked his hair back and swore softly under his breath. He'd talked a big game about being professional, about keeping this separated from the Normandy and their duty, but actually putting it in practice after the night they spent together, after the tedium and exhaustion of the past month...

_Keep it together, Kaidan._

He looked up to see Shepard staring right at him, her eyes warm and laughing.

"Fatigues and an alliance t-shirt? You really know how to let your hair down, Alenko."

He moved to stand, flustered and tongue-tied, but she put her hand on his shoulder, pushing him gently back down.

"Don't get up on my account." She smiled and let her hand linger a bit longer than necessary. "I'll sit."

She pulled up a chair next to him and then turned to greet the rest of the table. As the conversation ebbed around her, pulling her in, Kaidan realized he'd been holding his breath and exhaled slowly. The table was crowded and they were all pushed in close, personal space forgotten. He was keenly aware of her thigh touching his, of her arm resting on the table close enough for him to see the small soft hair and the freckles trailing up to her shoulder.

_-continuing along her neck, his tongue connecting the dots up, his teeth grazing her ear lobe, sending a shudder through her body, as she begged for more-_

He drained the last of his drink and abruptly stood up, mumbling something about getting another round. She shot him a questioning glance but he fled from the table before she could say anything.

He was sitting at the bar, head cradled in his hands while he waited for the drinks, when he heard someone slide into the stool next to him. He could smell her soap - _vanilla?_ - and something else, intoxicating and uniquely her, underneath it.

"You look like you're being held here at gun point, Kaidan."

He lifted his head up and looked at her, grinning weakly. "I'm an idiot. And you're beautiful."

She laughed, surprised at the non sequitur. "Kaidan..."

"Charlie, I can't sit next to you and pretend I don't want to pull you into my arms. Not right now. When we're back on the Normandy, when we have a mission, I can do that. I can put my feelings for you in a box and you'll do the same and we'll get the job done. But right now, in this place, after answering to all of those bureaucrats and politicians... I can't take it."

Before Shepard could respond, the bartender returned with their drinks. She smiled as she watched Kaidan pay and then reach for the tray. She stopped him, putting her hand on his, an innocent excuse to touch him again. Their eyes met and she shook her head.

"I'll bring these back to the table. I think you've got a migraine coming on and need some air."

She leaned in a little closer.

"I've heard wonderful things about the courtyard by the Nebula Apartment Complex. Beautiful view, and absolutely deserted this time of night."

She winked at him, grabbed the tray and walked away. He stared after her for a few seconds and then smiled, realizing fresh air was exactly what he wanted right now.

**III.**

The burning current of tension Kaidan had tried to master at the club slowly drained from him in the cool air of the courtyard. He'd checked his omni-tool every minute, for the last twenty, as weeks of pent up and restless energy propelled him back and forth across the same stretch of sidewalk. Every second he spent alone here felt like hours, and as the time passed, it softened the sharp ache he'd felt back at Warp.

Since Ilos, he had tried to untangle the path that led them to that night in Shepard's cabin. To put their relationship into clear terms, into the neat box that the rest of his life fit into once he joined the Alliance. She was all he could think about during the dull meetings and sleepless nights of the past month. And not just that one night of passion, but a thousand moments, strung together over months on the Normandy. Mutual respect turning into something more, fire fights and mundane confinement on a ship bringing them close together. Quiet conversations at his work station and during meals, talking about their lives before Eden Prime. The way she looked at him when he talked about his past, her eyes softening with understanding. Her laugh, rare and genuine, filling the empty spaces within him. The lopsided smile she gave him whenever she was teasing him. Every small piece of herself she let him see, every stray touch and stolen glance. The way she made him want to be a better soldier, and a better man.

He wanted to be with her tonight, and every night after. But he wasn't sure she felt the same way.

He swiped his hand through his hair and stopped pacing long enough to pull up his omni-tool again.

"Kaidan?"

He turned around, surprised to see her standing just a few feet away. He closed the distance between them without a word, without thinking about the consequences, and pulled her into his arms. After a moment of surprise, she wrapped her arms around him and pulled him in even closer. They held each other, without speaking, until Kaidan could feel all of his doubt and fear falling away.

Shepard leaned back, looking up at him and weaving her hand through his with a smile. "C'mon, my place is close."

She started to turn towards the building but he gently pulled her back.

"Wait...please. I just … I need to say something first."

She tilted her head to one side, smiling. "Okay."

He took a deep breath, steeling himself. "I've been thinking a lot about that night, before Ilos."

She smiled, playful. "Mmm, me too."

He laughed at that, but shook his head.

"No, not just that. I mean..." He sighed, searching for the right words. "I know these things happen on a ship all the time. All of the tension and stress. Heat of the moment. Lives in peril..."

She nodded, regarding him seriously now.

"But that's not really me. I don't... sex isn't casual for me. This-" He emphasized the word, taking her hand in between his. "This isn't casual for me."

"I know that, Kaidan..." She looked down, realization flickering over her features. "But you don't know what it means to me... because I'm Commander Shepard, First Human Spectre, Force of Nature... so many hard shells covering the person underneath, nothing vulnerable for the enemy to hit... But, Kaidan, that's just a story. That's just another suit I wear. To get the job done. To keep people at arm's length and do what I have to do. Underneath all of that, at the end of the day, I'm still Charlie. And ...I don't do this-" She brought her hands up to his face and gently pulled him towards hers, kissing him lightly. "-if it doesn't mean something."

The knot in Kaidan's stomach untwisted and fell away, something warm and hopeful unfurling in its place.

"Shepard, I-"

She kissed him again, cutting him off and pressing her body against his. "Me too." She gave him a sly smile, pulling him towards her building again. "Let me show you."

**IV.**

The common area of her building was deserted and the elevator was waiting at the lobby, door open. They walked in and Shepard hit the button for her private unit, putting in the pass code needed to access that floor. As the door shut and they started to move up, Kaidan closed the gap between them...

...the elevator opened to her floor and they stumbled out, red lipstick trailing along his neck, his hands roaming underneath her shirt. They staggered down the hallway and through her front door, feverishly exploring each other, laughing and breathless. As it clicked shut behind them, she pulled her tank top off, his t-shirt and boots already in a pile beside her. He put his hands around her waist and picked her up, her legs wrapping around him. They crashed against the closed door and she raked her fingers across his back as he buried his face in her chest, his mouth ghosting kisses on the impossibly soft skin there.

Shepard pressed harder against him, feeling the length of his erection straining against his fatigues, desperate to feel him inside of her. She moaned as he took her in his mouth, sucking and licking until her nipple was hard and aching. Without stopping, Kaidan slid his hand up the taut curve of her waist and cupped the other breast, rolling her nipple between his fingers. She threw her head back against the door, another moan escaping from her. His lips and teeth grazed her skin as he moved up, his tongue dipping into her collarbone. He turned away from the wall and pulled her closer to him, bruising kisses along her shoulder and neck. As he moved deeper into the apartment, she traced his jawline with her tongue, nibbling when she reached his ear lobe, his body trembling at her hot breath in his ear.

Kaidan swallowed hard, his voice thick. "You keep doing that, we're going to end up on the floor."

She chuckled, her mouth roaming back down his neck, nipping and kissing the tender skin there, his breath catching.

He found her room and lowered her onto the bed, her boots slipping off as she unbuttoned her jeans, looking at him with heavy lidded eyes. She slowly slid them down, his eyes greedily following her progress. As they fell to the floor, Shepard moved to the edge of the bed, hooking her finger into his belt loop. She pulled him closer, peering up at him through her eye lashes as she removed his belt, and then unzipped his fatigues. She ran her hands slowly down his thighs, his pants falling in a puddle around his ankles. He kicked them off and brought his hand up to her face, his fingers sliding into her soft curls.

She traced the hard outline underneath his boxer briefs and his biotics flickered at her teasing, his hand tangling deeper into her hair. Leaning closer, her breath hot against his skin, she eased the briefs down and trailed her tongue along his pelvic muscle. She followed the v-shape down, one hand splayed on his abs while the other wrapped around the base of his cock. Kaidan's breath caught and she looked up, licking her lips as she moved her mouth onto him.

Shepard's tongue swirled around the tip and then slowly moved down, licking and sucking as she took more of him in her mouth. She brought her hand to his hip, pushing him deeper into her, swallowing him down until he could feel the back of her throat. She did this, back and forth, slow and deliberate, tasting every inch of him with her tongue, until he was slick and throbbing in her hand. Her hand slid over his wet hard length while her mouth worked the tip, licking around his head and sucking hollows into her cheeks. She moved over him faster and faster, swallowing him eagerly, as blue ripples washed over him, making their bodies sing.

Kaidan moaned and pulled back, gently tilting her head up to look at him. His eyes were liquid pools of desire, lingering on her swollen red lips, as he gestured to the bed.

"Your turn."

Shepard smiled and pushed herself back on to the bed. He crawled slowly over her, his mouth drawing a map of every curve, their legs tangled together. He wove his fingers through hers and pinned her arms overhead as he straddled her, her hips arching into him. His kisses were soft and lingering, his tongue circling around hers, as her head fell back against the pillow, her curls forming a halo around her. He released her hands and trailed down to her breast, his tongue exploring and his teeth nipping before continuing on. He massaged her breast, rolling her nipple between his fingers, while his mouth worshiped her taut stomach, his teeth grazing over her hip and then down. His hands followed, impatiently pulling off her panties, revealing her beneath, soft and wet. She gripped the sheets, his kisses burning promises into her skin.

Kaidan traced a path around the wet curls between her legs, roaming down to kiss the sensitive skin of her thighs, his lips brushing against them as he moved slowly back up. He explored, tasting and teasing, before finally parting her lips, his tongue delving inside of her, moving in and out and lapping her up until she was gasping his name, begging him. Then he was there, answering her prayers, the soft pressure of his tongue sending ripples of pleasure into every inch of her. Shepard gripped him harder with her thighs, pushing into him, his tongue finding her rhythm. Every atom of her body thrummed underneath him, a crescendo building inside of her, the anticipation filling every space within her. Pleading affirmations spilled out of her mouth and he answered eagerly, her hips grinding into him as his pace quickened. She dug her fingers deeper into the mattress as she dissolved into him, moaning with release.

Kaidan moved back up to the head of the bed, his body heavy and warm against her. Shepard could taste herself on him as he kissed her, her sex mingling with the sweet taste of his mouth. She pulled his forehead down against her own, flushed and slick with sweat, looking up at him as the rest of the world dropped away. He caressed her cheek, his eyes telling her things his mouth never could. She pressed her body closer to his, the desire to have him inside of her eclipsing everything else. She slipped her legs out from underneath him, his hips filling the space left behind, grinding against her with a small moan. She slid her hand down between their bodies, guiding him between her legs. He rose up onto his hands, easing himself past her wet opening, savoring the exquisite tension of her face as he slowly filled her.

Shepard pulled him down against her chest as he moved within her, their hips rising and falling together in a steady rhythm. Her fingers dragged down his back and pushed him deeper into her, the blissful pressure sending a current of pleasure through her. Kaidan stroked her hair back and dragged kisses along her neck and jaw, murmuring her name before trailing back to her mouth. She kissed him back, her tongue running along his bottom lip and sucking it, biting it gently before pulling away. Her hands were everywhere, devouring his body and pushing him down on top of her, begging him to fuck her harder.

Kaidan pushed back and lifted her legs in front of him, letting them rest on his shoulders. He leaned forward on his hands as he entered her again, Shepard's hips moving into him as he found her g-spot. Her fingers dug into his arms as their pace quickened, her body screaming with anticipation.

"Oh god, yes..."

Kaidan's whole body was shaking, currents of barely suppressed biotics coursing through him. Her breathless gasps were the only sound he could hear. Her face looking up at him the only thing he could see. Time seemed to stand still as they moved together, her skin against his the only thing that seemed to matter. She pressed her hips into him, rubbing herself against him as his fevered thrusts hit her sweet spot over and over again. Pleasure and pain mingled as their bodies melted together, desperate for release... until she was tightening impossibly around him, a yell of wordless pleasure torn from her. Kaidan let himself go with her, shaking with release, as a blue aura crackled between them.

**V.**

Shepard cleaned herself off in the bathroom and then padded back out, the fluorescent light briefly illuminating her silhouette. She paused at the door, appreciating the sight of Kaidan stretched out on her bed, sated. He was looking back at her, his smile dazed and warm.

"Get back in here."

She laughed and walked over, crawling back into bed and slipping into the crook of his arm, their legs tangling together under the covers. She turned her body into his, resting her head and hand on his chest. He pulled her closer to him, one hand wrapped around her body while the other absentmindedly fingered one of her loose curls.

"Charlie?"

"Mmm?"

"I just... I wanted to make sure you're okay... with my biotics..."

Shepard looked up at him, surprised. She brought her hand up to his face, her thumb gently brushing along the knot of concern in his forehead. "Kaidan, you never have to worry about that with me. In or out of bed. And honestly, in bed … it's incredible. I've never felt anything like that before... with anyone."

The relief on his face was palpable. He brought his hand up to cover hers on his chest, his eyes shining down on her. She leaned up and gave him a soft kiss, and then pulled back with a grin on her face.

"Actually, I have a LOT of ideas about your biotics and what you might want to do with them."

He chuckled. "Oh yeah?"

She buried her head back into his nook. "Mmmhmm. I'll show you later. We can practice."

He ran his hand slowly down her body, pulling her close to him again, and closed his eyes. "I'm going to hold you to that."

They lapsed into a comfortable silence, exhausted and happy. His chest rose and fell underneath her, his heart beating a steady rhythm with her. As Shepard began to drift off, she heard Kaidan's voice, quiet and laced with sleep.

"I love you."

She lay still, her old walls suddenly rising up around her. She thought of her life on Earth, and of Akuze. She thought of everything that had happened with Saren and the council. So many people had let her down, so many things had happened that had been infuriatingly outside of her control. She had become so hard, so afraid of anything she couldn't predict or plan or use... afraid of letting people see anything.. human in her.

And then she thought of the ways Kaidan could hurt her if she let him in...and how much it would hurt if she didn't.

Shepard let out the breath she'd been holding in and focused on his heart beating underneath her hand.

"I love you, too."


End file.
